The Tourist

Every now and then a movie comes along which intrigues me. This is not that movie. Instead, it’s a mediocre redux of the spy-uses-innocent-bystander-but-falls-in-love plot. Except it isn’t that, either.

As Elise Clifton-Ward, Angelina Jolie plays (surprise!) a mysterious, beautiful woman who rarely says a word, and when she does it’s in the most mechanically-reproduced attempt at a British accent I have seen since, well, Tomb Raider. She is to meet with her beloved Alexander Pierce, wanted by Interpol for over $700 million in back taxes owed to England. It gets better. The back taxes appear to be owed on the $2 billion he embezzled from a British gangster tied to the Russian mob. Unless there’s another $2 billion we don’t know about.

Pierce instructs here, through letters dropped by courier at a restaurant that, given that French authorities know she’s there, could have just as easily been bugged. That, however, would preclude the obligatory scene where they reconstruct the bits of a letter burnt to a crisp. Why burn the letter? It’s clear they’re not going to apprehend her because they’re trailing her to get to Pierce. Why not keep the letter? If they don’t know where she’s going they won’t get the letter. If they do know, then whatever’s on the letter is irrelevant by the time they catch up with her. But never mind. These are not the sort of obvious questions with which to bother studio executives.

She’s instructed by her beloved to get on the 8:22 A.M. train to Venice, find a man of similar stature and build and make her pursuers believe that’s Alexander. When you get to the end of the film, if you bother to see it, go backward through it and ask yourself how exactly the plan was so sure to unfold as it did. That’s a relatively important detail. At any rate, she ensnares Frank Tupelo (Johnny Depp)—as in Tupelo, Mississippi, birthplace of Elvis Presley who continues to be sighted by many fans thirty years after his death. Need I go further? It is exactly what you think.

This movie has little purpose other than to cash in on Angelina Jolie’s stardom and beauty, of which she has plenty without question. To submerge us in stupidity even further, Ms. Clifton-Ward outright tells Mr. Tupelo, “I’m a mysterious woman on a train.” I’ve overheard others wondering why the filmmakers didn’t cast a British actress of similar beauty, and someone less talented than Johnny Depp to be wasted on this film—never mind that the film has not one, but three, Oscar-winning screenwiters. I would be quick to point out that films requiring many extravagant locations and stunts generally cost upwards of $80 million to make. Studio executives therefore reason that yet more money must be thrown at top stars to carry the film at the box office. But that’s putting the cart before the horse, isn’t it?

The only remotely funny joke in the film, aside from Frank’s inability to distinguish Italian from Spanish: Steven Berkoff is cast as a villain who is thought to be Russian yet isn’t. Instead, he surrounds himself with Russian henchmen to keep up appearances. Mr. Berkoff, a Brit, has often been cast as a Russian—hence the joke. Beyond that, the entire unnecessary affair continues to raise odd questions. Why, for example, does Interpol even attempt to match Tupelo to images in their database when no one has actually seen Alexander Pierce? In theory, they can confirm that it’s not Pierce but that’s irrelevant for two reasons: a) Pierce could be anybody in their database, or not in their database, and they would be none the wiser. b) They’ve been tailing Elise for the express purpose of tracking her to Pierce. If she’s going to lead them to him anyway, then why bother doing anything but keep a useful distance and see how it all unfolds?

Then you’ve got some moronic boat chase in which dashboard lights have been conveniently placed so we can see the actors faces at night. But wouldn’t that bli— oh, hell, nevermind. How do you say, “I want a refund,” in Italian?

The Tourist • Dolby® Digital surround sound in select theatres • Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1 • Running Time: 103 minutes • MPAA Rating: PG-13 for violence and brief strong language. • Distributed by Columbia Pictures

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