Robin Hood

It’s a bad sign when you can’t remember what movie you just saw.  Even worse if the movie is one of countless re-tellings in film, animation, television and print—Warner Bros.’ 1938 Errol Flynn epic, The Adventures of Robin Hood, figuring most prominently in its history.  There’s also the 1991 schmaltzy, yet oddly entertaining take, starring Kevin Costner, and Mel Brooks’ dreadful slapstick, Men in Tights. Thus, one wonders what possessed Ridley Scott to make another.  I have at least one idea.

The film begins with a superfluous and clunky prologue, the audience regarded as complete morons by bigger morons known as studio executives.  Robin Longstride (Russell Crowe, whose name I nearly forgot), an archer in the service of King Richard the Lionheart (Danny Huston playing a smug asshole, imagine that*), gets shackled in the public square for criticizing the Crusades.  He manages an escape, with his compatriots Little John (Kevin Durand), Will Scarlet (Scott Grimes) and Allan A’Dayle (Allan Doyle)—the Merry Men.  They intersect with a plot to usurp the throne, a victim of which—Sir Robert Loxley (Douglas Hodge)—entrusts Robin with a sword that belonged to his father, Sir Walter (Max von Sydow), and the King’s crown. Prince John (Oscar Isaac; Rufus Sewell’s droopy eyelid must have been unavailable), stands in for Joaquin Phoenix’s Commodus—the narcissistic heir who wastes not a moment pissing on his family legacy.  He is flanked by his suspiciously narrow-eyed advisor Godfrey (Mark Strong) who struts around in a Vader-like cape, his face a frozen grimace—a cross between Law & Order’s Christopher Meloni and a deranged muppet.

If this doesn’t yet sound familiar, let me put it another way.  After seeing the film, I could hear the late Don LaFontaine’s voice-over to an imaginary theatrical trailer in my head:  A lowly grunt… chosen by a king for his humility… for a task of great importance… The king betrayed by his own… the grunt avenges the king….and leads the kings people… to restored dignity. Shaky cam… wheat… pillaging montages… bad guys with scars and grubby beards who gorge on food sloppily… slow-motion arrows… Snorri-cam arrows… arrows swarming like locusts… it’s… A RIDLEY SCOTT PERIOD EPIC!

Yes, under the surface the plot is almost identical to Gladiator. What happened to the man who created the suspenseful, paced Alien or the science-fiction cult hit, Blade Runner? It’s odd that people ask that question only now, more than twenty years after the dreadful Legend and comically-bad Black Rain. If getting a steady paycheck is all he wants to do, more power to him.  However, he shouldn’t be confused for a director in the ranks of Kurosawa or Fellini.  As Pauline Kael wrote, “Blade Runner has nothing to give the audience–not even a second of sorrow for Sebastian.  It hasn’t been thought out in human terms.”  His primary interest seems to be that of all “generals in the arts,” to wow us with action set pieces garnished with bits of faux-profundity and Cliff’s Notes historicity.  To his credit, the film doesn’t begin with the title insert, “Inspired by a true story,” despite the fact that it is.  Robin was a historical figure from the hamlet of Loxley, though very little is known about him and the details of his legend have been embellished time and again.

There are some commendable performances by the aforementioned Mr. Sydow, and Cate Blanchett as his daughter-in-law Marian, here appropriated as the token, yet historically implausible, tough girl for which Mr. Scott has undying affection.  It can work in the right movie, but as a product of a medieval upbringing, there doesn’t exist a frame of reference in which a woman would have been allowed into, much less have contemplated, combat.  In 2010, we Americans still seem to have trouble wrapping our minds around it.

Marian isn’t particularly useful on the battlefield, except as demographic-bait, in the scene in question.  The plot, as you know, calls for the widow to (I don’t believe this is a spoiler, unless you are absolutely oblivious to the rules of Hollywood filmmaking) hook up with the hooded hero; chastise me later for succumbing to alliteration.  Never mind that Marian finds this completely acceptable, again implausible because her character biography gives no basis for being centuries ahead of the times.  With Robin shtupping the knight’s widow, one can’t help but think poor Sir Robert is cartwheeling in his lukewarm grave.

* As King Richard, Mr. Huston plays a jerk (surprise!)—an arrogant, but noble jerk.  It doesn’t completely break The Law of Danny Huston, which dictates that any movie starring Danny Huston will usually feature him as either the root of all evil, or at least a general douchebag. Someone should alert Trey Parker and Matt Stone, however, that the Sheriff of Nottingham, played with theatrical aplomb by Matthew Macfadyen, stole psychic John Edwards’ title as Biggest Douche in the Universe.

Robin Hood • Dolby® Digital surround sound in select theatres • Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1 • Running Time: 140 minutes • MPAA Rating: PG-13 for violence including intense sequences of warfare, and some sexual content. • Distributed by Universal Pictures