2012

In the department of the laughably absurd, Roland Emmerich rarely fails to disappoint. His latest, bloated end-times epic, 2012 begins in space with a shot of the planets aligning with what seems to be horrendous speed, given the distance at which we must be viewing them. Ignoring that complication, however, we cut to Earth—India. Dr. Satnam Tsurutani (UK-born Jimi Mistry failing miserably at faking an Indian accent) has discovered that the temperature of Earth’s core is rising concordantly with increased solar activity affected by planetary alignment that occurs every 650,000 years, or so the film says. Technically it never happens, because the planets’ orbits themselves are not perfectly aligned in three-dimensional space… but nevermind. Also ignore for the moment that Tsurutani isn’t an Indian name by any stretch of the imagination. Safaya, on the other hand…

As we move on in this ludicrous movie, cars don’t start when they need to (but can still outrun earthquakes), parents are separated only to be reunited by worldwide tragedy, and, “Log and cross-reference the data,” is used for the umpteenth time in a film invoking so much science while failing to consult science experts. Instead, wouldn’t you know it, a writer serves as the hero—a typical screenwriter’s fantasy (see Professor Langdon in the equally-preposterous film, The Da Vinci Code). Jackson Curtis (John Cusack), the author of Farewell Atlantis, discovers the imminent destruction while journeying to a campsite where he stumbles upon a government research project at Yellowstone National Park. Jackson is separated from wife Kate (Amanda Peet)—now dating a plastic surgeon. Note that his book is about saying goodbye to the world, and it’s dedicated to his estranged wife. ZING!

There isn’t much to pick apart in terms of plot or narrative. It’s a planet. It’s going to get destroyed. Governments will illogically conceal it—and their Plan B—as long as possible, complicating evacuations further than their already taxed resources can withstand. Scientist Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor), Dr. Tsurutani’s friend, attempts to persuade Carl Anheuser (Oliver Platt), obviously an analogue of former White House Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove, for an audience with President Wilson (Danny Glover). It’s the sort of film where the authority figure, Anheuser, barks, “Who do you report to,” and after getting his answer replies, “Not any more.” Also, I think it was comedian Chris Rock who observed the disproportionate number of black U.S Presidents in films where they preside over a global catastrophe. Were the filmmakers backed by The Heritage Foundation?

Writer/director Emmerich amusingly recycles his trademark plot set-up by carting out characters, one after another, from around the world whose paths will inexorably collide in the climax. But instead of replaying the exhausted jingoisms of Independence Day, in today’s post-9/11 climate Mr. Emmerich puts religion in the crosshairs, only to beat emotional appeals into the ground and finally trumpet aphorisms from faith. It’s a setup to make the audience gasp when the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro collapses. Actually, it almost looks like he’s stage-diving. Oh, there are plenty of other historical landmarks exploded for titillation. When the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel fractures, can we count on the fissure to pass right between God and Adam’s touching fingers? As surely as we can count on the visual pun of a Kennedy—the naval carrier—literally destroying the White House a few scenes later.

Natural disasters in Hollywood flicks seem to have a particular fondness for Las Vegas, New York and Los Angeles—note the obligatory cameo of the crumbling U.S. Bank building in L.A.’s otherwise unextraordinary downtown. The idle rich are also a casualty. The Buddhists, for whom Mr. Emmerich has enough admiration to represent prominently in the one-sheet poster, manage to survive his wrath- err, the collapsing Earth’s crust. Oddly, no backstory is ever given to the Mayans who supposedly prophesied the world’s end on December 20, 2012. Perhaps it’s because there’s no record of them having proffered such an idea. Like the Hindus, their calendar occurs in cycles.

I’m curious, just a bit, about what goes on in the mind of Roland Emmerich. Does he know that he makes some of the best comedies ever written? Question: How does one escape planetary destruction? Answer: At the last possible second. The pitch for the film might have been, “See, the land moves and crashes into the boat.”

2012 • Dolby® Digital surround sound in select theatres • Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1 • Running Time: 158 minutes • MPAA Rating: PG-13 for intense disaster sequences and some language. • Distributed by Columbia Pictures