Into The Blue

Scott Caan, Ashley Scott, Paul Walker and Jessica Alba star in Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures
and Columbia Pictures’ underwater action/adventure Into the Blue.
Photo Credit: John P. Johnson

 
Somewhere over the Caribbean, a plane goes down in a storm. Our only indication of the nature of the occupants and cargo is a man toting a gun who, along with the pilots, gets bounced about and killed when the plane crashes. Naturally, this will be important later, but right now, we must move on to the fat guy swimming upside down—presumably learning snorkeling from Jared (Paul Walker), a diver with “skillz” (or so we are informed from one of the many black people who are all, except one, criminals in this film).

Sam (Jessica Alba) is Jared’s almost too-innocent girlfriend. Proving why “Dark Angel” bombed, Alba restores confidence in those of us who were taken aback by her perfect fit in “Sin City” with a performance that’s has all the emotional character of styrofoam. She declares her lines with complete disinterest.

When she says, “I know, honey. I just want you to be happy. You know that,” I’m thinking that attempting to analyze this film any further is going to be an uphill battle against common sense.

Josh Brolin, looking like a younger (but still inebriated) Nick Nolte, is another local treasure hunter, Bates. Sam and Jared get together a rustbucket of a boat for their own expeditions.

Bates quips, “You’re the captain, now? You know the water goes outside the boat.”

Cue laughter.

Their friend, Bryce (Scott Caan), has acquired a boat that was seized by authorities. He and his girlfriend of 15 minutes, Amanda (Ashley Scott), go on a diving trip with Jared and Sam. This is one of those movies where the good guys have honest, cute faces and everyone else looks exaggerated or trashy. So, to say that Amanda looks like she’s trying very hard for the Paris Hilton look (read: “trash in heels”) should give you some indication of their intentions.

As they begin their expedition, we see shots of Alba’s and Scott’s bodies underwater… again, again and again. This is a PG-13 movie, in case you didn’t notice from the frequent expletive substitutions (e.g. “frickin'” this and “frickin'” that). The studio, naturally, hopes that teens will find this movie engaging. I find it insulting. But the real question on my mind is this: Is the movie full of mediocre characters lacking substance or is it merely attempting to emulate the more insipid side of youth culture that Hollywood itself has helped create? More on that question later…

The foursome happens upon some scattered artifacts in the ocean, including a chunk of ballast that Jared believes is evidence of a legendary pirate ship, the Zephyr, being wrecked off the coast of the island. Remember the plane that crashed at the beginning and seemed to have no connection whatsoever to the other 99 percent of the movie thus far? Well, in case you forgot about it entirely, the divers happen to find the wrecked plane and, surprise, lots of cocaine inside its fuselage.

I know what you’re thinking… the lines of good and bad are so clearly delineated in this film (thus far) that Amanda and Bryce will want to go for the cocaine, and Jared and Sam wish to avoid it like the plague. You would be right.

That being said, there’s some impressive underwater cinematography and interesting stunts with sharks that look, well, real. It sounds odd as I’m writing this observation, but seriously, can anyone think of the last time they saw real stunts involving dangerous animals that weren’t computer generated or at least didn’t look so ridiculous, as in “Deep Blue Sea?”

When Jared wants to get the hell out of the water, Sam reassures that the sharks are just curious.

Bryce retorts, “Curious as to what… What his ass tastes like?”

There you have it, that was the most creative line in the entire movie. That’s it… no kidding.

Well, ok, wait… Jared has one as well, “Tigersharks… those are the ones that are furry and have stripes on them.”

Oh, look, now I’ve bored you to tears. Well, consider this… I just saved you the trouble of sitting through 105 minutes of shlock just to hear the two most inspired lines of dialogue in the entire movie.

But let’s get back to the cocaine. Jared finds an artifact–a gold knife–and then the plane wreck. As the four enter the plane wreck, they find a dead body. Now, note here the sense of occasion as the camera focuses on Ashley Scott’s behind just as they’re about to encounter a dead body. It really heightens the tension, let me tell you.

Naturally, as they’re squabbling about what to do with the enormous cache of cocaine, it occurs to at least one of them that someone is going to come looking for “their lost luggage.” Will Jared and Sam be dragged into a real mess by Amanda and Bryce? Will one of them get maimed horribly by a shark when trying to recover the cocaine? Does Bill Clinton have a humidor?

While imagining riches beyond the dreams of avarice, Amanda astutely observes, “What we need to figure out is what thousands of millions divided by four is.”

If only they could handle such simple math, they might be smart enough to avoid getting themselves into the mess they’re about to. I’m curious as to how the cops never figure out exactly where that plane is, being that it’s resting in white sand, in shallow, pristine waters such that any Coast Guard officer who happened to look down could immediately spot it… but nevermind.

The plot does take a turn I wasn’t expecting in a movie so haphazardly constructed, and leads to an illogical chase sequence in which Jared is driving away from the bad guys, but then gets the brilliant idea to throw the truck in reverse gear and crash into the bad guys’ precious Land Rover. The driver who was just chasing them through alleys barely wide enough to fit the vehicles suddenly changes his mind and doesn’t want his vehicle damaged. Why didn’t Jared just back up into them to begin with? Oh, that’s right… because we need a cool car chase in the home stretch to break up the monotony of the other 95 minutes.

“Into the Blue” is so overbearingly laden with sound effects that even the cliché musical cues that accompany the surprises fail to startle as intended. Nigel Tufnel would be proud–the entire soundtrack goes to eleven.

So much time is wasted on meaningless dialogues meant to give the characters, well, character, and PG-13 shots of Alba and Scott’s bikini-clad bodies underwater, that by the time the story gets to the twist you won’t care.

At one point in the movie, Bryce says of the anonymous drug runners, “I’ve defended some of these people. They’re not gifted people.”

Neither were the people who conceived, directed and filmed this movie.

Into the Blue • Dolby® Digital surround sound in select theatres • Aspect Ratio: 2.35:1 • Running Time: 1 hour 50 minutes • MPAA Rating: PG-13 for intense sequences of action violence, drug material, some sexual content and language. • Distributed by Sony Pictures Studios